The Blogger Who Revisited Christmas Past

 

If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm a huge fan of Christmas. I can get in the festive spirit at any point of the year and won't lose my excitement until Boxing Day. It's a skill. However, over the past few years Christmas has really lost it's spark for me due to a mix between being an adult and moving away from home. I get that this is a super niche blog post, but I wanted to write about some of my Christmas memories. Ever feel like you need to revisit the past to know where you stand in the future? That's my current need. So.. I hope you enjoy..? Maybe? 

I'm 24-years-old and I've had exactly three fake Christmases in my life. I'm talking a tree, Christmas dinner, movies, and gifts. 

The first fakery was when I was 5 or 6 years old. My mum had been in the hospital over the festive period so we did it all over again in April. This is high up on my list of favourite memories. I don't remember the Christmases before that one as I was too young, but this one I can vividly recall. I was so excited and felt special that 'Santa' would go out of his way to gift me and my mum the joy of a Christmas together. She was still very sick at that time, and it's only now I realize how much strain that whole day must of put on her. Growing up she never had enjoyable Christmases and because of that she always over compensated with me, which I'm forever grateful for. I always tried to make it equally special for her, but it's a whole other ball game when you're worried about money, sick, and are doing it alone. She's my little Christmas angel, and that's likely why the past few years haven't felt like true Christmas. It'd be like spending Valentine's Day without your partner.. it's still a thing but feels less true.

The other fake/delayed Christmas was in 2017. My Nain had been in the hospital over Christmas so we put it off until New Years Day. This should've been the easiest to fake as we'd gone through the entirety of December not realizing that doom was coming. But weirdly, this was awful. It felt too forced, stiff, and just generally bleak. It's now rather disheartening to look back on as that was the last 'Christmas' I spent with my Nain. The following year I was stuck in America waiting for a green card, so was unable to travel home. That should've been the last Christmas of normalcy yet it was everything but that. I was unable to volunteer much that year as the committees had changed and a surge of depression prevented me from getting in touch with them to ask whether they needed a volunteer (the good ole classic 'what if I annoy them?' mentality). The one day I did volunteer in the grotto with my usual group, I don't remember. It was like a fog had been put over the entire experience and even when I was there, nothing felt like it was truly happening. So, yeah, not the best fakemas.

The only other time I faked a Christmas was when I first visited my now husband in America. We tried to recreate all the special occasions we had missed together when apart, so had a holiday week. We merged Christmas and Thanksgiving into a single day, partly so he could make me food and I could prance around with a Christmas hat on my head. It was a fun day that I often look back on and smile. 

My favourite Christmas was in 2015. It was the first year that I had a stable income, which offered me the opportunity to help my mum out. We bought new decorations, tons of movies, way too much chocolate, and I was able to spoil my family in the gift department. Christmas isn't about gifts in the slightest, but there is something so joyous about buying people things that you know they'll love. Me and my mum also went to our first Christmas Panto together which is such a Britishly fun thing. (Donny Osmond in tights? Questionable.) Though me and my mum had always had great Christmases together, being financially stable that year really offered us the opportunity to do more Christmas activities which added to both of our happiness. I know it's taboo to discuss money, but it can play a huge part in your enjoyment of things. Stress often leads to depression and the added pressure to be happy over the holidays makes everything seem worse. Me and my mum both relaxed for the first time that Christmas, and that feeling alone is priceless. 

2015 was also the first year I'd ever got the nerve to volunteer within the community. Was that partly down to me really wanting to copy Rachel's elf outfit from Glee? Yes, yes, it was. How'd I do?

 But really, 2015 in general was the best year of my life. Yes, the following year I met my husband in person for the first time which changed my life drastically, but 2015 was the year that defined me. It has been the only year of my life where I made decisions entirely for myself. I put myself out there, I travelled for the first time to see my best friend in Germany, I got a volunteer placement in a charity shop which was terrifying but thrilling. My health got better thanks to a mix of hydrotherapy, physical therapy, and self restraint when it came to daily activities. I spent the entire year talking online with my partner, working up the courage to phone calls, and Skype dates. We made time for virtual date nights and didn't take each other's company for granted, which I think can happen once your together physically. My family was in a good place, my mum's health had stabled, my Nain was doing okay and I saw her almost every day - we'd make time to watch our shows together or go for a coffee. The toxicity in my mum's life had dwindled slightly, we often had Wednesdays to Sundays just for us, which we hadn't really had in a few years. It was probably a mix of all of that that led to me having a great Christmas - I was in a good place. I worry that I won't ever get back to that. My life has changed drastically in the years since then, and despite being happy in my situation, it'd hard to always be seperated from someone I love - especially during the holidays. I feel constantly homesick, only now since my nain has passed, I feel homesick for a place that is no longer there. I ache for the past. 

I don't even know what the point of this blog post is. It's starting to get to a 'one sided therapy' point, which is what my 'Bath Musing' series is for soooo.. let's wrap (ha, pun) it up. What's your relationship with Christmas? Are you able to return home this Christmas? Let me know. We'll start a support group. 

Thank you for listening (reading),